


Home is Where the Drinking Games Happen

by AmericasAsset



Series: TV Will Rot Your Brain [3]
Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Captain America (Movies), House Hunters (US TV), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Drabble Sequence, Drinking Games, Gen, House Hunting, Lots of drunken screaming, Steve & Bucky move out, The Avengers really shouldn't watch TV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 23:23:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20956628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmericasAsset/pseuds/AmericasAsset
Summary: “This’ll endear you to your neighbors,” said Natasha, smirking, pouring more vodka.“We soundproofed.”“Supersoldier sex. Right. Hope you reinforced the furniture, too.”They both flinched as Clint tackled Scott onto the coffee table.“Of course we did.”





	Home is Where the Drinking Games Happen

“We should get a place of our own,” said Steve as he threw away the box of cereal he’d found infuriatingly empty in the Avengers’ shared kitchen. “Just you and me, Buck. Maybe back to Brooklyn?”

“Just because someone ate all your favorite cereal?” Bucky snorted. “I know you’ve got strong opinions about breakfast, but…”

“Oh, god,” sighed Sam. “It’ll be like the very worst episode of House Hunters ever.”

Steve was taste testing the other varieties of cereal in the cupboard and finding them all unacceptable. “What’s House Hunters?”

“Oh, here we go again,” Wanda muttered into her tea.

~*~*~*~

“Why don’t people like tile floors? Hardwood floors take maintenance.” Asgardian mead clearly didn’t help Steve’s volume control. 

“Not modern hardwoods,” said Sam, still mostly sober due to his skill at determining which couples would love it and which would leave it. 

Ten minutes later, everyone’s focus had shifted to the screaming match between Steve and Sam. 

“WOOD DOESN’T BELONG IN A KITCHEN!”

“LAMINATE ISN’T REAL WOOD, DUMBASS! TILE IS UGLY AND COLD!”

“THAT’S WHAT FUCKIN’ RUGS ARE FOR!!”

“Forget the episode,” muttered Bucky. “I bet Steve gets Sam in a headlock before this is over.”

“You’re on,” said Tony.

~*~*~*~

“A room with no windows.”

Steve sighed. “Like a closet?”

“No, a proper room. With no windows.” Bucky pointed to the notebook. “Write it down.”

“Fine. Room… with… no… windows.” He scrawled each word with exaggerated care.

“All kitchen drawers need to be at least seven inches deep.”

“What? Why?”

“False bottoms.”

“False… For what, Buck? Hidden knives underneath the knives that are already in the drawers?”

“I’ve got my reasons, Stevie. Write it down.”

Steve wrote it down.

“The stove needs to face east.”

“You’re just making shit up!”

“And you’re being dismissive of my needs. Write it down!”

~*~*~*~

“We should trade spaces,” said Clint on the way to a mission.

Sam turned to Bucky and Steve. “That’s a show where two neighbors spend a weekend in each others’ homes redoing rooms. It was a fuckin’ trainwreck.”

“It was an amazing trainwreck,” said Clint.

“Do not do heinous things to your apartments in the tower,” sighed Tony. 

“I don’t want anyone in my apartment,” said Sam. “I already like it.”

“And we don’t trust you fuckers,” added Bucky.

“You’d trust them even less if you’d seen the show,” said Rhodey. 

“You guys are no fun at all,” grumbled Clint.

~*~*~*~

An old, dusty china hutch ambled past the common area.

“The fuck are you bringing into my pristine tower, Gramps?” yelled Tony, rushing to intercept.

Steve peeked around the edge. “I’m gonna paint it and trade the glass out.”

“I told you not to get him hooked on that flea market show,” muttered Rhodey. 

“The fuck is that, Rogers? It stinks like death.” Bucky stepped out of the elevator, his face screwed up in disgust.

Tony opened one of the lower doors and something hard and furry tumbled out. “Did you get the dead raccoon free, or was it extra?”

~*~*~*~

“We’re in.”

“Wait, what?” Tony frowned at Wanda and Vision, who had marched into the common area to make their declaration. “Are we talking about Trading Spaces?”

Vision nodded. “We’re amenable to the proposition.”

Sam stared, bewildered. “Why?”

Wanda smirked. “There are two possible outcomes. Either we love it, or we hate it and therefore have justification for refusing all future requests. It’s a win-win.”

Silence fell as all the room’s occupants glanced back and forth at each other.

Finally, Sam said, “Good point. I’m in.”

“Us too,” said Bucky.

Even Natasha agreed.

Clint’s eyes lit up with evil glee.

~*~*~*~

“The Love It or Leave It drinking game ended badly,” said Tony, setting out the array of liquor bottles, “So we’re trying Property Brothers.” He pointed at Sam and Steve. “You two behave yourselves.”

Bucky elbowed Steve in the ribs. “Yeah, punk. Behave.”

Before the first episode was over, Bucky was up in Rhodey’s face.

“THAT’S A RIDICULOUS SEXIST STEREOTYPE, ASSHOLE!”

“NOBODY’S SAYING WOMEN HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE! IT’S JUST A TREND!”

“What the hell?” Wanda watched, horrified, as Bucky tackled Rhodey to the floor.

“Man caves versus she sheds.” Natasha turned up the volume to drown out the fight.

~*~*~*~

Clint had assigned pairings, so all that was left to do was trade keys and get to work.

“We can open the doors without turning over the keys.” Natasha batted Clint’s hand away.

“That’s part of the whole schtick, though. Trade the keys!”

“I’m with Nat,” said Sam. “I don’t trust you fuckers not to make copies.”

“See, Stevie? That’s what I’ve been saying all damn morning!” Bucky snatched the keys out of Steve’s fingers. “If you hand over the keys, I’m changing the locks.”

“You’re fucking all this up,” whined Clint.

“No keys, no trade,” said Wanda.

“Damn it…”

~*~*~*~

Tony and Pepper arrived last to Steve and Bucky’s housewarming, Tony sweeping in and declaring it, “Not as awful as I expected!”

“It’s lovely,” said Pepper, handing their gift to Bucky. 

“It’s nice not having a disembodied voice yelling at us from the ceiling,” he replied with a grin.

“Friday doesn’t yell,” said Tony.

“So, before the supersoldiers open their housewarming gifts,” said Scott, “I hear we’ve been turning house shows into drinking games?”

Sam groaned. “Love It or Leave It and Property Brothers are off limits.”

“What about House Hunters?”

“You know that show is fake, right?” scoffed Natasha.

~*~*~*~

“I’m going to apologize, but I’m not really sorry. It’s good that they know,” said Natasha.

Bucky shrugged. “I’ve been telling Steve entertainment would create itself. I like being right.”

“THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FAKE AND STAGED! THEY STILL BOUGHT THE HOUSE!”

“THE WHOLE FUCKING PROCESS IS A LIE, YOU DUMBASS! THEY LIE ABOUT EVERY PART OF IT! THAT MAKES IT FAKE!”

“This’ll endear you to your neighbors,” said Natasha, smirking, pouring more vodka.

“We soundproofed.”

“Supersoldier sex. Right. Hope you reinforced the furniture, too.”

They both flinched as Clint tackled Scott onto the coffee table. 

“Of course we did.”


End file.
